Believing in me in the midst of Self Doubt

When I started writing I didn’t think it was good enough for others to read. I had lot of things going through my mind. I always kept my calligraphy and colored pens close to me. It was a form of art for me putting down my opinions.

But self doubt always had a way of creeping into my head and reorganizing my goals. There’s always this voice saying somewhere

“People will laugh at you. You’re not going to get this right”

This strips logic and reasoning and replaces it with fear and doubt. I force myself to think positive which doesn’t always work.

Crushing Dreams

I’ve always had this ‘art side’ of me. I fancied painting on clam shells, drawing cartoon characters and writing stories I formed in my head when I was just 6. When I turned 12 I started a company with my friend called ETOANIE. We had workers that were juniors and few of them my classmates. We made hand made cards and designed them. We sold a lot. I felt then that I was born to do that. When I turned 14, I didn’t see any reason why I should continue. So I stopped. It looked childish then to me. At 18 I formed ADELSON with my best friend. It was basically for fashion designing. But the designs were never shown. Yes at every point in my life I had critics to remind me how my work wasn’t perfect and how I could excel in other things. I can say we’ve heard similar cliches like :

“what you’re doing looks great but why don’t you set a better futuristic goal that will get you paid real big. You won’t go so far with this”

After we digest this information, we gradually tell ourselves “afterall a lot of people are doing this anyways, let me leave it. What will even make me better when people have been in it for years and there are professionals everywhere. I’ll let it go”

I can’t count the number of times I stopped myself before ever trying. I was scared I won’t learn, people would hate my art and designs, no one will patronize me.

Slowly my goals became out of reach. I had to read my Bible to reassure me I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Some of my friends had to reassure me I’m good at certain things and I should stop being scared to start something new. I needed a cure.

So far it hasn’t been easy but I try to look for things to ease my tension.

-I’m listening more to people that encourage me every step of the way. Not those that bring me down at every mistake. Supportive people who try to bring out your passion like is theirs are energy refilling.

-Counting my previous success has been helpful. It gives me hope that I can do better. It’s a confidence boost for me.

-I’m giving myself a chance again. I’m learning to believe in the positives and leave every negative statement behind.

-Love which is the greatest gift of all is finally finding its way into my heart. I am loving and trusting myself. And I’m giving myself more credit than I did in the past. I’m worthy and capable.

-I am trying and trying and I’ll keep trying. I’ve refused to give up this time around. Until I get it right, I’m not backing out.