The sad days

March came with everything I wanted and boom the sad days kicked in. 

Everyday became a torture. I was filled with rage. This gender has hurt me too much. 

Trying hard to celebrate my wins without this deep pang of regret: Like how did I get here? Now let me leave my healing for another day. 

There’s a friend, we talked but we weren’t so close. 15th April was our last interaction. 

Why did I feel she didn’t wish me happy birthday for any other reason than her not being okay?

Why did I think she needed space off social media for a very long time?

It took me almost a year to eventually realise she might not be fine. 

Been sending random messages here and there when she crossed my mind but I didn’t see the need to follow up. In my head I reached out and whenever she comes online, she’d see the message. 

Okay she’s gone. Gone forever. I didn’t know. I just got to find out. It wasn’t public. Her birthday is coming up in three days. I probably would have put up her pictures and sent birthday wishes and wait till 2023. 

This hits hard. I would have known a long time. I would have checked up. I spoke to her about the dream. It wasn’t her but her sister. We prayed about it. And boom she’s gone. I didn’t know. Dreams shouldn’t come to pass if you’ve prayed against it right?

Atleast the aproco in me and knowing people’s business to make sure they’re good would have made me realize this. I’m scared of finding out the exact day she passed on. Still in April. Could be anytime from 15th to 30th. Scared of finding out she was sick while she laughed at my dry jokes and status. 

Been up all night watching her YouTube videos. Something I rarely did when she was here. 

I want the sad days over. I’m becoming scared of the dreams too because apparently the bad ones are coming to pass more frequently. 

I’m in a bad place. I just want the healing of God to take place in every area of my life. Amen. 

I miss you dear friend ❤️❤️❤️