If We Never Happened

If we never happened,

I would have left the conversation at “hello… hi.”

I would have said you were too dark to behold,

too bad to love,

too reckless to commit to.

And I would have been lying 

because you would have been exactly my type.

I probably would have ignored your smile,

though it was the most charming thing I had ever seen.

It would have been ridiculous not to steal glances

when you weren’t looking 

because I was too shy

to look you in the eyes.

I would have kept every emotion

bottled tight inside my chest,

unsure of how you would react

if I ever said, “I miss you too.”

I would have pretended

you were the one losing your mind,

missing me the way you did.

I would have replied two days late,

because responding in thirty seconds

would have exposed

how badly I wanted to talk to you.

If we never happened,

I might have ended up somewhere else 

in a sad relationship,

pretending I was fine

while secretly thinking of you,

unable to text

because by then

it would have been too late.

But we happened.

It was real 

at least from my end.

It was true.

It mattered to me.

I felt it.

And I still think about it. 

About us.

I got to see your smile

wrapped in your rich beard.

I got to tell you how much you meant to me.

I got to talk about my day,

because you became my untrained therapist.

I got to be sarcastic.

I got to be fully myself.

Because only you understood the jokes.

I felt our hearts beat in rhythm.

I was certain when I said, “I love you”

I meant it when I said

I wanted forever with you.

Yes, we may not be together now.

But you mattered to me.

And with us,

there is no “what if”

Because we did.