If I need to wait then I’ll wait

One major skill I learnt in 2023 is the art of waiting.

I started 2023 on a very sad note.  I can remember my prayer points of 2022 crossover service like the back of my palm. Most of my prayer topics had nothing to do with me personally other than a request/ prayer of thanksgiving because everything good was just happening to me right about the same time and in the same moment. My list was filled with requests for my family and friends. I could remember praying so hard for each and every one of them since I knew their needs and struggles. I didn’t know that I was going to add deep requests about me in 2023.

One week into the new year, my greatest recent fear happened. I was affected by the third round of layoffs in my company. I was numb and confused.  I lost my job few days before my diploma exams. That was one of my first real mourning. I was confused and I couldn’t concentrate. I tried so hard to read so it would be my ticket to getting a better job. I officially stopped working in February.

At that point, I knew nothing was ever going to shake me anymore. I had Big plans for 2023 including investments and traveling. I had my personal development goals already set out but everything seemed to disappear and all I could feel was a deep sense of loss. I wasn’t sure if I should take my prayer life seriously or just let things be. I felt God was going to judge me for praying so hard because I was more serious now I needed a job.

I decided that God was ever ready to listen to me. I joined NSPPD prayers everyday, fasted, read my Bible to understand what God was saying about my situation. It wasn’t just me going through this. I had a number of friends in the same position and we had each other to encourage each other. At some point I felt God wasn’t answering my prayers so I just stuck to my everyday devotions. Deep down I wished God would hear the prayers of my parents on my behalf. I have had several interviews where some of them I got to the last stage but same sorry story. It looked like it was spiritual at some point. I applied to over 400 jobs as it became my 9-5.

I still looked as cheerful as ever. This period made me realise I had an army looking after me. I still went on for brunches, dinners, traveled to 5 countries and still had a double birthday celebration. I never looked like I was going through hell. Deep down I knew I was getting depressed. I started having a bit of financial pressure. I wasn’t broke but the more I spent on bills, shopping, etc the more the fear of lack became real. I started seeing a therapist to see if I was going to  get better. If I’m being honest, I’m not sure it helped. My sleep became terrible. I had my friends checking in on me every second, it put more pressure on me and I grew tired. I had to ask them for space which cost me one of my precious friendship.

I gradually stopped praying like I used to and I decided to just live and see whatever happened. My visa was expiring and I had no choice or option. The wait period was longer than I expected and I started panicking. Out of desperation I joined healthcare. It wasn’t the worst jobs ever but at that point it felt like a grace to grass story. Sometimes I was asked to clean the floor and wash dishes. This was me almost a Compliance Analyst with all my beautiful certificates and Distinction in my masters. In fact I was one of the best employee in my previous role. Naaaahhhh it was tough for me and most times I just smiled with deep sadness. I worked as a healthcare worker for three weeks but the experience taught me a lot of life lessons I took seriously.

My goodnews started with my brother getting his visa. It was a breathe of fresh air for me. Then somehow in the only way God could explain, I got my resident card without my extension letter. Someone people said I was lucky, there’s called it a glitch, I called it God’s hand. This happened same week I got two offers in the same day. One as a Stock Settlement Analyst in Bank of America and the second as a Product Manager in a manufacturing company. I definitely went for the Product Manager role because they were willing to sponsor me as soon as possible.

One week into my new job, I started having sleepless nights from some personal family problems. Most nights I cried and prayed so hard because it was too much for me to handle. I became a shadow of myself, I couldn’t really talk to people what was going on with me but I tried holding it in. My job wasn’t what it seemed like. I had to go to work everyday knowing fully well I wasn’t enjoying what I was doing. I passed my exams and I was going to get the Licentiate in Compliance. Life started looking like it was getting better after some weeks. Started smiling more often.

I had two graduations scheduled. One from the university I took the course and the other from the Compliance body. On the day of my Compliance grad, for the second time in a year I wasn’t with a job anymore. Now this time around it was some form of relief and peace I felt. I was troubled about the future. What is this future? Money and settling bills but I was calm and relaxed. I knew that I was really enlisted in the Lord’s Army this year. Lol. I have come to think of myself as God’s favourite recruit to go into the battlefield to fight the war of trials and tribulations.

My 2023 looked like winter all year with a bit of sunshine. My season is definitely coming. I don’t even blame God, I am not angry one bit. My worst fear already happened at the beginning of the year. My wait looks like it might be longer and greater. I am ready to eliminate the ruthless act of hurry from my life. Hurry that can cause me love, peace and joy. All I have right now is being present to the moment. I have expectations for 2024.

After what 2023 threw at me, if I need to wait, then I will wait.

John 16:19

19 Now Jesus knew that they desired to ask Him, and He said to them, “Are you inquiring among yourselves about what I said, ‘A little while, and you will not see Me; and again a little while, and you will see Me’? 

20 Most assuredly, I say to you that you will weep and lament, but the world will rejoice; and you will be sorrowful, but your sorrow will be turned into joy.

21 A woman, when she is in labor, has sorrow because her hour has come; but as soon as she has given birth to the child, she no longer remembers the anguish, for joy that a human being has been born into the world. 

22 Therefore you now have sorrow; but I will see you again and your heart will rejoice, and your joy no one will take from you.

23“And in that day you will ask Me nothing. Most assuredly, I say to you, whatever you ask the Father in My name He will give you. 

24 Until now you have asked nothing in My name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full.