About my week
Lord I lack the appropriate words to say how my week has been. I went to a new church that I didn’t like. It got me upset that I wasted my time being there. On Monday the 18th was my mum’s 50th birthday. She was genuinely happy and I’m glad I was part of it. I was happy seeing how beautiful she looked. I had a meeting with my manager on Tuesday. It was fine but my performance needs improvement. I’m tired. Every hour I’m looking for jobs to apply and I’m looking for an accommodation. I don’t think I’m giving the right things my attention. Want to go into Tech. I’m scared but I want to try. My laptop got bad yesterday in the midst of trying to sort things out.
My dreams literally haven’t been good. The past days I’ve been cancelling them when I wake up. I can’t even remember any right now. I want to achieve a lot more than is in my head. I’ve been stagnant way too long for my liking. I’m not complacent with the way things are. Sometimes I’m scared of my dreams not actualising and the fear makes me not to try.
I’m afraid of the future. I’m afraid of being a failure. I’m afraid of not being successful. I’m afraid of getting married wrongly. I’m afraid of losing my parents, family and loved ones. I’m afraid of Nigeria not conducive for the people I care about. I’m afraid of making bad decisions. I’m afraid of letting go of people that truly love and care about me.
I’m learning to be patient. I’m learning to be true to myself. I’m learning to let go of situations I can’t control. I’m learning how to be in the tech space.
Decision I’m facing
I’m trying to decide if it’s worth mending fences, keep my circle to the barest minimum or just ghost. I’m deciding the next place I should get my accommodation. I’m deciding how to start a brand new relationship with God. I’m deciding if I should let go and let live. Wait until next year or start my PR application again asap.
I’m discouraged about my job rejections and applications. I’m discouraged about my temporary accommodations.
I need help with starting all over with God. I need help with praying. I need help with minding my business. I need help with reading. I need help with controlling my emotions and how I react to situations.
I need forgiveness for not trusting you. I need forgiveness for going back to things I said I never would. I need forgiveness for keeping malice and being vindictive. I need forgiveness for not letting go when I should.
You’ve blessed me with a job to take care of myself. You’ve blessed me with a father and a mother. You’ve blessed me with brothers and sisters. You’ve blessed me with a good man to love. You’ve blessed me with friends all over the world.
Why I love you
You’ve always been with me in my lowest moments. You always give me a reason to celebrate. You’ve always looked out for me when it seemed like all hope was lost. You genuinely care for me. You keep me safe everytime. Your Holy Spirit directs my path when it comes to making life decisions. I love you Jesus.